


Saudade

by Akiko_Natsuko



Series: The Zine Collection [11]
Category: Overwatch (Video Game)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Established Relationship, Flashbacks, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Love, M/M, Memories, Moving On, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Promises, Realization, Reaper is not Gabriel, Seperate Entities, monster!reaper
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-02
Updated: 2019-02-02
Packaged: 2019-10-19 11:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,215
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17600180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akiko_Natsuko/pseuds/Akiko_Natsuko
Summary: The farmhouse was quiet that morning, in a way that it hadn’t been for months and Reaper had been dismayed but unsurprised to find himself alone in their bed.





	Saudade

**Author's Note:**

> My piece for the 'Monster in Your Bed: Reaper76 zine'

   The farmhouse was quiet that morning, in a way that it hadn’t been for months and Reaper had been dismayed but unsurprised to find himself alone in their bed. It wasn’t fear, at least not of the usual kind, but something softer…rawer, that he could taste in the air as he pulled himself from the bed, the jingle of the ornaments in his antlers sounding strangely lonely in the odd silence, and he lifted a hand to silence them with clawed fingers. A quick brush of his fingers against the indent where Jack should have been lying confirmed that the sheets were cool to the touch, and he scowled, it had been a long time since Jack had done this. So long in fact that he’d started to hope that things had changed, that Jack was entirely in the here and now with him, but it looked like he had been wrong.

   Grumbling, more out of concern than irritation he stole Jack’s abandoned dressing gown, ignoring the fact that it looked ridiculous on his larger frame, before heading for the door. He hoped the human hadn’t gone far, a glance at the bedroom window confirming how cold it was outside, tendrils of ice making delicate patterns across the glass, and he shivered reflexively although it had been years since the cold had bothered him. Still, he didn’t fancy chasing Jack around the countryside. However, as soon as he emerged into the hallway, he caught the familiar scent of coffee in the air, and some of the tension eased out of him. Jack was still there, and if he was following his morning routine, perhaps he had just woken up early.

    That reassuring thought lasted until he reached the kitchen, only just remembering to duck beneath the door-frame as he took in the whistling kettle on the stove, the steam filling the air and the human sat at the kitchen table, seemingly unaware of the chaos around him. Reaper growled in the back of his throat, not needing the distant, unfocused gaze to tell him that Jack wasn’t with him right now and resisting the urge to go straight to his partner, he moved across and removed the kettle from the stove, noting the mug with the dregs of coffee in waiting on the side. Apparently, Jack had been awake for longer than he’d thought, which also meant he’d had longer to get lost in his thoughts and the kettle’s handle began to bow under his grip.

“Jack?” Abandoning the kettle, he moved across to Jack, reaching out to grasp his arms when there was no response.  “Jack are you with me?” Reaper hated moments like this. He hated having Jack in his arms but knowing that the human was miles away, reliving another life, one that he wasn’t part of, and his grip tightened, probably enough to bruise as he fought the urge to shake his partner back into the present with him. It wouldn’t work, he’d learnt that the hard way, and he didn’t think he could bear seeing Jack that frightened again, not because of him.

    Needing something more to distract him when there wasn’t an immediate response to his words, he glanced down, startled to realise that Jack wasn’t completely still as he usually was in these situations. Instead, he was mindlessly rolling the tags and rings that were normally around his neck, and when Reaper pulled his gaze away to look at his partner’s face once more, he realised that the distant expression wasn’t one that he was familiar with. It wasn’t the haunted features of a man reliving a war, and now that Reaper was focusing, he realised that he couldn’t taste the sour note of fear that usually came with those memories. There was still a faint trace of fear, but it was of a sort that he didn’t recognise, and after studying Jack’s face for a moment, he realised that there was grief beneath the distant expression. “Jack?”

     This wasn’t something he’d witnessed before, and he shifted uneasily, feeling his features moving beneath the mask as he tried to work out how to help. Wanting to comfort Jack, to bring him back, but unsure of what he needed right now. He could hear the clink of the tags and rings, the sound jolting in the tense silence and without thinking he reached out, brushing against Jack’s fingers, before capturing the human’s hands between his, mindful of his claws. The result was instantaneous, as Jack was abruptly and violently back in the present, jerking away from Reaper in a way that he’d never done before, not even in the early days when they’d been anything but friends. Shocked, Reaper let him go and stepped back, watching as Jack pressed the mementoes to his chest, curling protectively around them as his breath came harsh and fast. “…Jack?”

“R-Reaper?” Jack blinked, lifting his head to look at him, and while his gaze was no longer distant or unfocused, the blue seemed darker than usual. Dimmed by whatever had been holding his thoughts captive, and there was a wariness to his movements as he unfolded himself, still not releasing his death grip on the tags that hurt.

“You were far away,” Reaper murmured, answering the unspoken question. The words had become a ritual between them, his way of gently letting Jack know what had happened, as the flashbacks could leave his partner disorientated. Usually, Jack would stiffen and look away, hiding from what had happened and from the thought of being seen like that, but today was apparently not a typical day because Jack looked at him.

“Yes, I suppose I was…”

    Reaper hummed under his breath, not sure what to make of the differences or of the strange, absent way that Jack had spoken, as though he was still in another world. Slowly, his gaze wandered to the items that his partner was still twisting between his fingers, and he had to fight back a sudden pang of jealousy – an emotion that he’d never felt before Jack, and one that left him unsettled, especially when Jack had made it clear that he occupied a very different place in his heart.

 ‘ _You’re not the same. Gabriel, I loved him…and I love you. It’s not a competition, it’s not a case of loving one more than the other. I love you both.’_

   Normally, those words and the fact that Jack was here with him was enough, but there was something about seeing Jack sat there, caught in the past and cradling the tokens of that other life that needled him.

“Gabriel…” If he’d had any doubts left, they vanished as Jack’s body became a taut nerve, blue eyes wide as he glanced away. A growl was threatening to bubble in the back of his throat at the reaction, but he swallowed it, and this time he was the one to look away as Jack brought the tags and rings to rest against his chest. Against his heart. “Jack…” He wasn’t quite sure what he was going to say, what he should say in this situation and it was almost a relief when Jack interrupted him, at least until his words registered.

“It’s our…It would’ve been our wedding anniversary today,” Jack’s voice caught as he tried to correct himself, but Reaper heard the struggle, the pain as he tried to distance himself from the past. He didn’t quite understand the significance of what Jack was saying, his partner had tried to explain the concept of marriage to him once, but while he understood the idea, he couldn’t see the need to use rings to declare what he already knew. Jack was his, and he was Jack’s, they didn’t need a piece of metal to know that. Still, he could tell that it was important to Jack, so he tempered his response, burying his jealousy which was a lot easier in the face of Jack’s pain.

“Do you want to do something to…” He faltered, trying to find the correct word. It was something he struggled with less these days, but this wasn’t a normal conversation, and a sideways glance at his partner was enough to tell him that Jack was teetering on a knife edge, and he didn’t want to be the one to push him over. “Mark it?” It wouldn’t be a celebration – Jack was doing better than he had been, slowly letting go of the past and fighting off his ghosts, but he still couldn’t look back without hurting over all that he had endured.

“I don’t deserve to…” Jack’s voice was smaller than Reaper had ever heard it, almost lost in the quiet morning. “I had almost forgotten,” Jack continued before Reaper could even attempt to find the words to ask what he had wanted, and he flinched, eyes flickering as he felt the self-loathing, the deep-set fear that he didn’t fully understand that was beginning to drift from the human. “I almost forgot one of the most important dates…I almost forgot.” _Because of you, because of us -_  he didn’t say it aloud, but Reaper heard the words anyway, and ruby eyes flickered.

   They had been happy. Content in this peaceful existence they had eeked out after the long months of conflict and pranks – and he had seen the lines of grief easing in the weathered features, watched as Jack had more peaceful nights than not, waking with a spark in his eyes rather than the haunted gaze that had greeted every morning in the beginning. To see Jack – regretting, or maybe blaming himself for allowing their present to ease the pain of the past, hurt, and he stepped closer, cloven hooves deafening in the silence that had fallen in the wake of those anguished words.

“Is it so wrong for you to find happiness again?” Reaper asked finally, tilting his head to one side as he considered the human. He still wasn’t an expert on human behaviour, he doubted he would ever be because as short-lived as they could be, they were ever-changing and just when he thought he’d started to understand it, Jack would prove him wrong.

“Yes!”

     Jack froze, eyes wide with alarm as he stared up at Reaper, and it was clear that he hadn’t meant for it to come out so forcefully, so desperately, and yet…he wasn’t taking it back, there was an apology written across his face, but Reaper knew without words that it was for how it had been said, and not for what had been said. “Reaper…”

“I see.” It came out as a low growl, and Reaper was already fading, allowing his form to melt away into mist in a way that he hadn’t for months.

“Reaper, I…” Jack whispered, reaching for the antlered skull that was all that remained of Reaper, and his fingers had barely brushed bone before Reaper was gone, the kitchen growing dark for a moment before he vanished with an eerie, anguished howl that rattled through the entire house. It faded slowly, the sunlight creeping in through the windows once more now that the mist was gone, but still seeming not to touch the lonely figure at the kitchen table. Leaving Jack alone with his past, and a terrifying, painful thought that he might have just destroyed his future.

_Jackie…_

    Jack wasn’t sure how long he’d sat there, head bowed with a grief that was no longer entirely to do with the past, knuckles turning white as he gripped the rings and tags. He had woken that morning, feeling almost at peace as he curled in Reaper’s embrace, and it had only been his aching joints that had chased him out of bed to kick the heating into life.

   He’d intended to grab a coffee and then retreat to bed, allowing himself a rare lazy morning, as the peaceful feeling followed him downstairs – chuckling as he spied a fresh chip in the ceiling where Reaper had apparently forgotten to duck again, and he had been whistling to himself as he’d stoked the stove to make his coffee. He wasn’t sure what had prompted him to check the calendar pinned to the wall, already knowing that they had nothing planned and no visitors to prepare for, and yet he’d glanced at it – and as soon as he’d spied the date, the world had wavered around him. The past slamming into him with the force of wrecking ball and bringing with it memories that he hadn’t allowed himself to dwell on for weeks if not months.

_Jackie…_

    He squeezed his eyes shut, but it wasn’t enough to drive out the sensation of phantom fingers brushing a path up his arm, before moving upwards, gun-calloused fingers curling tenderly against his cheek.

_The touch was enough to rouse him. Sleep came less easily these days after so long in the field, and even these few precious weeks of leave didn’t ease that need for constant vigilance, and blue eyes snapped open to find Gabriel peering down at him, a sheepish expression clashing with the warmth in his eyes as he studied Jack._

_“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you,” Gabe whispered, fingers brushing apologetically against Jack’s cheek before he leant in to steal a too quick kiss._

_“It’s fine,” Jack murmured, only just biting back a protest when Gabe pulled away, tilting his head to glance at the clock, eyebrows rising as he realised just how early it was. “What are you even doing up at this time?”_

_Gabriel looked away, his hand falling away as he hunkered in on himself and Jack frowned, and now that he was studying him closely he could see the remnants of sweat clinging to his partner’s skin, and a slight tremor working its way through the other’s body. “Gabe?”_

_“Just a bad dream.” Jack grimaced. They both had more than their fair share of nightmares, terrible, bloody dreams that left them sleepless and clinging to one another as though the other was the only thing keeping them grounded. It was another side effect of the life they’d chosen. However, it had been a long time, if ever that he had seen Gabriel this shaken by a dream, he was usually the quicker of the two to shake off the haunting images._

_“It was more than that,” he murmured, pushing himself up and moving until he could plaster himself against Gabriel’s back, feel the rapid-fire beat of his partner’s heart and absorbing the trembling as he ducked his head to press a kiss to the mole on the back of the other man’s shoulder. “Gabe?”_

_There was a beat of silence, and Jack was starting to think that he wasn’t going to get a reply, when Gabriel moved, reaching up to grasp the arms that Jack had wrapped around him, holding him close with a grip that was just the right side of bruising.“Jack… If anything happens to me.”_

_“It won’t.”_

_“If it does,” Gabriel pressed on, ignoring Jack’s words, although the way his fingers had tightened at the soft protest proved that he’d heard it. Neither of them was naïve enough to dismiss the possibility, and they already bore the scars of more than one close call, but Jack didn’t want to dwell on that possibility, and there was something about the defeated note in Gabe’s voice that had scared him, although not as much as his next words.   “I want you to promise me something.”_

_“What?”_

_“Promise me that you won’t hold on to me forever,” Gabriel’s voice had dropped to a barely audible murmur, and Jack had to lean forward, resting his head on one broad shoulder to catch the words, immediately wishing he hadn’t. “Promise me that you’ll keep moving, keep living and that when you’re ready, you’ll be happy again.”_

_“Gabe, nothing is going to happen to you,” Jack protested more firmly this time, scared in a way that he hadn't been in a long time. He was the pessimist of the two, the one who worried over the details, driving himself mad with the ‘what if’s’, whereas Gabriel was the one that could make the impossible, possible. To hear him doubting that was…_

_“Please…” Gabriel was pleading now, twisting until he could meet Jack’s gaze and there was a desperation in the dark eyes that floored Jack. “I…Just need to know that you’ll be okay.”_

_I won’t be okay…_

_The words were there on the tip of his tongue, and Jack knew that they were true. It felt like they never had enough time together, and the thought of losing what they did have – of losing Gabe, made his heart twist painfully. Yet, he couldn’t bring himself to say that aloud, not when Gabriel was clutching him like a drowning man and waiting, desperation written in the taut lines of his body and Jack’s voice trembled as he lied._

_“I p-promise.”_

     Jack came back to himself with a strangled gasp, and to the feel of warm fingers resting against his, protectively caging the tokens still trapped beneath now trembling fingers.

“G-Gabe…” The sensation lingered for a fleeting second, squeezing lightly before it faded, and Jack opened his mouth – to weep, to plead, he wasn’t sure, but before he could utter a sound, words were tickling his ear, a voice he knew as well as his own.

_You promised, and I’m happy that you kept it…so don’t let that slip through your fingers now._

    Lips, half-remembered now, brushed his temple and then they were gone, and Jack felt his breath catching, feeling the quiet of the house settling around him once more. _Gabe_ , it’s not that easy, he wanted to protest. _I’m sorry,_ he wanted to whisper over and over – no longer sure what he was apologising for – for forgetting? For moving on? For being happy…

    It was the last one that gave him pause, a tremor working its way through his body as he was struck by the sudden truth of it. He remembered the peaceful feeling from when he’d first woken up, the smile that had tugged at his lips at waiting to the sensation of warmth and fur beneath his searching fingers, to the soft growling, snores that Reaper refused to admit he made. He thought back to the days, and weeks and months spent with Reaper. The time spent working to make the old farmhouse their home, the nights spent in front of a roaring fire as they taught each other about the world, to the laughter that he had never thought he would experience again as he watched Reaper fighting against the bells tied to his antlers at Christmas.

   To the claws that were meant to hunt and hurt, disappearing, as Reaper cradled him as though he was the most precious thing in the world. To the burning gaze, that saw more than Jack could ever put into words…and the pain, that he had caused so unthinkingly because he hadn’t been ready to admit to himself that he was happy. That he was moving forward, and there was a clatter of metal against the table as he rose and bolted for the stairs, leaving behind the tokens of the past as he pursued his future.

“Reaper!”


End file.
